When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
May your day taste like creamy soup.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.