Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
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“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.