When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
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What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.