Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
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[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.