Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
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One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Me if I was a dog
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly