i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
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[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*