Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
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Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.