Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
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I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.