Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
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This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!