Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
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[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
This squirrel eats better than I do
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.