My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
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My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car