my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Pikachu found the lost joint
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?