mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
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You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.