dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
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Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
man: wait
time: no
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.