“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
You Might Also Like
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?