Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
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me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping