There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
groan^2
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you