Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
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ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Personal question. #JustSaying
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Not now. I’m deglazing.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.