*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
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“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…