I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
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Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Meow
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
True statement👍😏😁
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Sign of the day..
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
dude it’s called proctologist
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department