I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
You Might Also Like
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Science memes
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.