WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
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How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
WTF
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!