[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
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Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Thrilling chase underway
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep