I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?