Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
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Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.