FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
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My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover