Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
My whole life was a lie.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.