Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
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Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
same energy
All set.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.