How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
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Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
#inspiration #foodforthought
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.