The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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this is how life feels
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.