[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
But is it really??
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
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I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life