Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
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Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie