People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though