Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
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When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Plant care tips
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.