DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
You Might Also Like
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die