adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
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I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Oh the world we live in…
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
This 4th of July, please remember…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…