It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
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Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.