[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
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#MeanwhileinCanada
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
The funk soul brother
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Candid photo of me, eating chips.