Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
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Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I am never leaving this website
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
😎 🍻
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”