i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
You Might Also Like
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.