“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
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I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.