*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
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E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
No way!
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.