Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
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[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Every work call, he judges.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.