And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
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So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
This took me a second..
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
lmao
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”