“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Never be a pizza!
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her