Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
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Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
You better watch out
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Just parrot things
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*