The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
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AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.