Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
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I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
If you know, you know
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.