So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Just a phase…
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!