waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
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Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
(2022)
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
be careful
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Was it something I said?
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens